November (II)

Since Sunny passed away seven years ago, I've lost a number of friends; including two in the past several months.   

I wrote this poem "November" years ago; I believe after the murder of Adam, one of my coworkers.  Now I've known more than just a few who have died.

I know

only a few

who have died

for whom I've cried

left pieces of my heart

on their wooden chests

and turned away

never to return

"Let the dead bury their own"

I've got to earn my bread

and bury the sorrow

Some grey November morning

shielded from the cold

I'll have conquered the world

and you'll turn away

hearts aching and old

and then you'll drift away

never to return

Dream: Several black and white prints, 8x10 and larger, rolled up

I recall I had been carrying them somewhere. Later, at home, Mom had folded and creased the photos, and they had wound up in a pile of trash. As a teen-aged version of myself, I was cleaning out an overstuffed mail box when I discovered this, and started throwing dozens of back copies of my sisters' "teen magazine" and other droll toward her, yelling that at least we could be sure to preserve these "bits of history." I was being sarcastic, of course.

Mom was frightened, and apologized for damaging the pictures, but didn't seem to grasp the sense of their importance. Waking, neither do I. I don't recall what images were on them, except one of a white cat (Cotton, perhaps).

Oddly, the prints were smaller now, like 5x7s. Perhaps that means that I was attributing too much importance to them in the beginning? Were they significant for their value, their artistic or historic significance, or merely the emotion I had invested in them?

I should note that such carelessness with anything of value to me wasn't a behavior my mother ever displayed. That was much more likely of my father and oldest sister, who destroyed many of my collectibles and personal keepsakes. I admit, I was a messy kid, but they both adopted something of a scorched earth policy when it came to cleaning. While some of the things they trashed would have eventually been of moderate economic value, the one loss that sticks with me is a letter from my closest friend, sent days after he moved away. His name was Matthew Starling. We were like brothers; so in tune with one another that we frequently said exactly the same things, at exactly the same time. We lost touch, because his new address and phone number were in that letter. I'm sure he thought I didn't care enough to write him back. Nothing could be further from the truth. I dug through the trash trying to find that letter, but couldn't. My heart broke. I was about 10 at the time, and think about that loss often.

Back to the dream: Before the enraged magazine tossing, or after (I cannot recall now), I was old, sitting in Sunny's oversized recliner trying simultaneously to read a book in my left hand, and to watch a TV to the right. I am confident in this symbolism: whatever it was on TV was important and immediate. The book, however, represented my desires. The book lost out. Very much what I'm feeling these days.

Sixth Anniversary

I've been thinking about Sunny all week. Saturday would mark our sixth anniversary.

I dreamed about him vividly, and disturbingly, last night.

He had come home from the hospital after his bypass surgery, but had severe neurological damage. There was a black and blue car that was built like a buggy, only larger, and he got excited when he saw it and wanted to go for a ride. We did, but we had an accident, and he died.

I woke up, and when I went back to sleep, I had the same dream again. I don't know what that means, but perhaps the message is that I was destined to lose him no matter what.

In other news, Milton goes in for an angiogram Tuesday. He has a blockage in his heart. It's been causing him to have very low energy lately. This will be his third one. Wish him luck.

One Green Balloon 11/14/05

Your note to Sunny
wished him well
in the Afterlife

You asked, "Did I do enough? Did I do it right?"

And let go

One Green Balloon
carried the note (folded
and folded and folded)
up, up, away
into the cloudy sky


Mr. Lightsy danced with his wife
and Peggy sobbed as her husband moped away

But you smiled, hands in your pocket
as you watched Sunny skitter away
almost gleefully
into a patch of blue between the puffs of cloud
shrinking into a period
on God's eternal note.


He was free at last
and your heart was at peace.

My Beloved

My beloved Sunny passed away this week.

He fought for 11 long months, trying to recover from his gastric bypass surgery. In pain every day, he still held out hope until the last days. He still gave us his beautiful smile nearly every day. He still was my comfort when I was at my breaking point.

In death, he will continue to be my strength.

May he enjoy all the rewards heaven has to offer.