Anniversary

Wednesday would have been our 4th anniversary. At least by Sunny's reckoning. He counted our marriage as starting from the day I said I would marry him; not from the day I actually moved to Houston to be with him. When I said yes, it was after we had spent a long weekend together at a Big Men's convention in Oklahoma City. The rest of the world barely existed. He had asked before that, practically from the day we met. I kept telling him no, and even threatened to break up with him if he kept pursuing the matter. I just wasn't ready for another committed relationship. In fact, I had just months before broken up with another guy, because he was also wanting me to move in with him. Sunny had the good sense to back off, and after that weekend in OKC, it was me who told him that I was ready for something more.

What can I say except that I profoundly love him and miss him. I miss the unconditional love he gave me, even if it was tinted with jealously. I miss the songs he would sing to me every day on my cell phone, as he drove to work and I was still at work. I miss his sexy chin, hazel eyes, and contagious smile.

It's odd, I have his pictures everywhere in my room, and some days I don't even notice them; I am in such a hurry to get ready for work, and so tired when I come home. Still, not a single day goes by that I don't think about him...many times.

This year would have been, traditionally, fruit and flowers; Sunny would have loved it. He always loved flowers. He was a romantic through and through.

I'm not even sure how we celebrated the first two. He probably slipped me one of the many cards he gave me, sent me flowers...and I probably didn't even realize what for. The third anniversary, he was in the hospital. He was alert, but not able to speak very well. I only remembered the date, because of an electronic reminder sent to his email. I told him it was our anniversary, and kissed him, and held him. I told him because he would want to know.

I wear his ring, when I can find it. I'm very bad about keeping track of small things. I had one of his ties that I wore a few times as well, until I accidentally put it into the wash. It was a beautiful tie; one thing about Sunny...he knew how to look good when he wanted.

How would life be different now, if he were still here? We probably would have moved to Austin either way. He would have taken a consulting job, which meant he would have been on the road much of the time; surely a stress on our marriage. But he would also be earning enough for us to have a home here; and perhaps enough for me to stop working for TV stations and start building a real career in film production. Would his patience with me ever wear thin? I wasn't the best of husbands, after all. I was selfish and reserve; I never intentionally withheld affection from him, but I've always been one who enjoyed my solitude. Yes, I was there when he needed me the most, but I should have been there more,emotionally, when he could have appreciated it.


He forgave me, I know. And he'd want me to be happy, as difficult as that is. That was his way. That was part of the lesson he was on earth to teach.

To love, to accept, to forgive, and to persevere. And laugh along the way.