5:01 AM

Actually, it's 3:57...but anyone who gets the 5:01 reference gets a cookie. I'm up late, for a Friday. Someone told me tonight that I needed to get out of the house and go out on the town to get over my depression. And do what? Drink? I'm already a weepy drunk as it is. I don't know why I get so emotional. Perhaps because, until Sunny's death became inevitable, I was always so stoic the rest of the time.

Friday was one of the worst days I've had since Sunny died. It didn't help that I was actually ill; I believe I poisoned myself with some barbecued chicken. So here I was, neck aching (which it has been doing for weeks...a side effect of sitting in Sunny's oversized recliner), queasy stomach leading to several episodes of vomiting, highly depressed (despite antidepressants), and without cable. Or any TV for that matter.

Time Warner finally cut off our cable after about 4 months on non-payment. It was in Sunny's name. I am not too concerned; although I do need to figure out where to return the cable boxes. Anyway, I can't pick up any UHF or VHF signals here. I had just gotten into all the new sci-fi shows too. Oh well.

I should read; I should write; I should study; I should take care of Sunny's taxes and call his family. I don't do any of it though. I sit here staring at the computer, at inspid online conversations; watching my illegal music downloads progress, or playing spiderman videogames. What a waste of life. It's not what I promised Sunny I would do with it. I promised him I would use my creative skills to make a difference. I just can't motivate myself to do it. In the group grief counseling session I've been going to, the counselor (I haven't even bothered to learn her name...does that mean I'm not into it?) tells us to be gentle with ourselves. "If you feel like doing nothing but sleeping all day," She says,"then do it." Sometimes that makes sense. Othertimes, I think I just need a good kick in the ass. I can't focus though; can't do it on my own.

Publicly baring my weakness like this had damn well do someone some good. I have to make a difference in this world, even on some small scale.

A college classmate of Sunny's sent me a very touching email today. He says he barely knew Sunny, but that Sunny had made such a huge impact on his life; helping him get through his oddball college years. He wrote about how Sunny made everyone laugh, and how Sunny made a point to include him in everything, and to just say "hello," which this man was grateful for, being an apparent pariah. He says he couldn't imagine surviving those years without Sunny being part of them. It touched me to know how much Sunny meant to him; and he probably never knew it. I'm sure he touched many other lives in the same way. We should all hope to do the same.

In anycase, I am feeling somewhat better this early morning; and I hope today is a brighter day. I'm sure it will be if I sleep through it.